So, today I am having an inner struggle. Time and time again I keep hearing about how we spend our time. Today my kids are playing together nicely and quietly, which leaves me with the “what should I get done” thoughts. My house is clean, laundry is going, Kendra’s homework for the day is done, I don’t have a book to read, my Sunday lesson is prepared… It’s Tuesday. What to do? I could knit, but I don’t have a plan for a project and I hate knitting without a purpose. I could pull out my scrapbooking, but I know the SECOND I do that, my kids will hover! I keep finding myself coming to the computer. I check my e-mail (for the umpteenth time), I open a game, then I think, “there’s gotta be something better I could be doing with my time”. I can go read my scriptures, write in my journal, which are things I will probably do when I finish writing this. It’s just such a frustrating feeling of knowing there are plenty things I could be doing that wouldn’t be “wasting” time away. It’s just a matter of finding the motivation. I had some this morning, which is why my Sunday lesson is prepared. I got dishes done. So, I know I’ve been productive… It’s just… I think it’s so easy to get in the “should” mode. My body is saying rest, and my brain is saying, get busy! How do you satisfy both? Honestly, I don’t know that there is a right or wrong answer. I believe there are many answers. It’s a matter of figuring out one day at a time. I’m a big believe in making the best of my time on this earth. We don’t know when that time is going to come to an end. As of right now, I don’t have regrets. I truly feel like I am enjoying this time in my life! It’s these moments of feeling like “what should I do” that I try and take a moment to look at my life and see what I’m pleased with, what I need to work on, and where my priorities are at. Sometimes that is a positive uplifting moment, and sometimes it’s discouraging. I’m far from perfect. I know I still have so much to learn. I know I have a lot of growing to do. But I also know that there aren’t time lines for that. Just like for kids. Different experiences teach us different things. So, it’s a matter of time. I guess the idea of “time” gives me some fear. I had a “near death experience” when I was a teenager and I think since then I’ve always wondered in the back of my mind, when my time would end. Will my kids grow up without me? Will I miss out on their childhood, teenage years, or adulthood? I sure hope not, but you never know. So, my dilemma when trying to decide what to do with my time… I want to make sure I’m getting whatever needs to be done, done, but I also want to make sure that I’m having plenty of those sweet moments with my kids and spouse. I want to make sure that if something were to happen to me, they would remember the good, happy moments! The other day the song “Tonights’ going to be a good night”… I think that’s what it’s called! So, I blared the radio and my girls came running in to dance with me. I hope they remember stuff like that. I love watching them play together. The other night we were watching a movie as a family and all three of them were sitting on the floor next to each other. I so wanted to just capture that moment. Time is so valuable and I hope that I can move on in this life and not waste it. I know that rest is sometimes necessary, and being pregnant sometimes makes me feel worn out. I think pregnant or not we all often feel tired or exhausted. But I hope that on the days where I have those moments and opportunities to have experiences with those I love, I hope I can continue to take them. The other day, we were at the mall at a kids play place. I saw a Mom with her two children and the entire time they were playing she was on the phone. The entire time she was on the phone they were vying for her attention. I think cell phones, computers, and TV programs are sometimes making our children feel like they have to compete with those things for our attention. I don’t want that to be me. It is sometimes, but that’s not what I want. I am writing this more so for myself. Kind of one of those, now that I said it out loud I’ll maybe be better about it. I know I can enjoy the quiet moments and shouldn’t feel guilty. And I also know that I will try to cherish all the moments I have in this life. It’s just a matter of choices and even a moment that we can get down on our knees and pray to our Heavenly Father who knows and loves us and ask him to help us feel peace about our lives and what we are doing and help us feel inspired and given the energy if there is something that He needs us to do. The best advice my Mom gave me before I had our first child was to raise our child as Heavenly Father’s child. So, what better way to live this life, right? I know I can go to him and He can give me peace about how I am or should be spending my time.
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